An Open Letter to Everyone Who Led Me On and Left Me Hanging

WIMfeels

You were supposedly my first, but I had always been and always will be your last.

Prince Charming disappeared before the clock struck 12. I was minding my own business and there you were, trying to sweep me off my feet with mushy gestures and sweet serenades. You asked me a question and never gave me the chance to answer. I guess nothing is more nerve-racking, blood-curdling and spine-chilling as defining the relationship. Those three letters spread like wildfire and you ran away the moment you found out. Years passed and I was still unconsciously waiting for the “possibility of us” when you checked on me from time to time. I found myself responding with utmost excitement every once in a while… But it ends here. I was a damsel in distress that wasn’t saved. I no longer consider you my first and only choice when I had always been your last option. You showed me the true value of patience and for that, I am grateful.

You were starting to become my whole season and to you, I was just summer.

Our paths had crossed in the most cliché way possible: a setup. We were put in a situation wherein we literally had to be close to each other. Our petty conversations in between rehearsal breaks turned into exchanges of personal stories that lasted from dusk ’till dawn. It scared me how a notification would make me feel so ecstatic. Though I never asked, your closest friends told me how you’ve shared stories about “us”. It honestly raised my hopes up. I was falling hard and you caught me, or so I thought. Autumn was fast approaching. As the season changed, you did, too. In reality, I fell and crashed; the wounds took almost forever to heal. I still want to ask “Why”, every time I see you… But I’m just happy that I no longer cling to the thought of “You and I.” You taught me how to quickly adapt to sudden changes and for that, I am thankful.

You were my “adventure of a lifetime”, yet I was only a stopover.

I received a pinch on the cheek as I was heading out of the arena. The realization of you noticing me in a sea of people left me stunned. If my memory serves me right, we haven’t seen each other in 7 years or so. Too early to say that bumping into each other was fate, but it sure did open a door for us to reintroduce one another in each other’s life. I was on my way back to Manila the night before your flight. We were set to meet as soon as I arrived, but there was a huge delay and it caused me extreme agitation. I was surprised at the fact that I cried in public because I won’t be able to see you before you leave for a long term vacation. Our plans for the day was ruined, but a miracle happened.

A walk in the park past midnight and random conversations in a quaint cafe may not be much, but I got to spend time with you and that was more than enough. Your mum called to check on you, “I’m okay ma, I’m on a date.” I wanted to put my whole fist inside my mouth when you looked at me while saying that. My heart fluttered in ways I couldn’t even imagine. I told myself to calm down, not to get attached. The hours passed and I got to know you more. You’ve shared your personal stories, deepest secrets, dreams and aspirations in a short period of time. I’ve never been this happy in so long, 2 years to be exact. The sun was about to rise and it was a sign for us to end the so-called date. You insisted to take me home despite not knowing the hustle and bustle in the streets of the Metro. I was being reeled in a trap and I was slowly becoming comfortable with the thought of me being vulnerable around you.

Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months… We continued talking, kept poking fun at each other through social media. Your best friend started teasing, constantly liking our Facebook comments and tweet replies. Everyone around me kept asking about the real score between us. How you supported me and the compliments you’ve been giving made them curious, making them think we were a “thing”. But the label was the least of my concerns back then.

You were now a part of my routine. A sweet, good morning message I wake up to and the good night I can’t sleep without. The way you made me feel inspired me to write again, I was stuck before you came along. My work had always been about objects and for the first time I was writing about a person in detail. That’s when it struck me. I’ve been led on and left hanging in more ways than one. I have to keep my guard up and build a wall to prevent it from happening again.

I was afraid to try again, I let my fears eat me up alive. And then it just ended. Even before it began. It ended.  I conditioned myself to be okay thinking I really was. A senior of mine asked “are you really okay?”… That’s when I realized I wasn’t. I was acting to an extensive amount where I even almost fooled myself. I have so many questions on my mind. Ask how we ended up like this. Ask why it happened the way it did. Ask if we really had a chance. I wanted to know if you were different amongst the others. But I deprived myself of that right. You are my biggest “What If” and the “What Could Have Been” I regret the most.

Here I am again, a year later, still writing about you. But in a different manner this time, writing about you through experiences and feelings. Quite unsure of what I’m thankful for when it comes to you… But I know everything happened because of the choices I made. I have no one to blame but myself. Let me dwell into the pain until it tires me out. I’m okay. I will be okay

To the guys who insistently said hi yet did not have the guts to say goodbye, I’m happy we met… But I wish I would never walk on the same road with you again. 

Maybe.

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