Dear Tay-Tay (Oo. Feeling close ako.),
I woke up this morning with the inexplicable desire to punch you in the face.
I had hundreds of messages on Facebook informing me of your love tryst with everyone’s Internet boyfriend, Tom Hiddleston, and the screams that came out of my lungs could only be heard by dogs.
You see, there are only a few celebrities that I care passionately about. You know the ones: they’re the ones you stalk online, the ones you watch certain movies for, the ones you have daydreams about – daydreams that you know will never happen. And then all of a sudden, there you were, suddenly living one of my daydreams.
Your lips were on his lips. Your hands were in his hands. Your hip was touching his hip. YOU WERE SITTING IN-BETWEEN HIS LEGS. And I just… *clenches fists* *breathes* Sigh…
I have since calmed down, though, and instead of envy, I now feel awe. Clearly, Popoy’s three-month rule doesn’t apply to you. How do you do it? How do you move on from one seemingly perfect person to another without getting overly emotional first or taking the time to “grieve”? Do you even blink after a breakup? How can you get your heart broken or break someone’s heart and just wave it off and, to top it all off, write award-winning songs afterwards and make a ton of money in the process? How do you not let what people say about your relationships get to your head? How do you wave each new boyfriend around, not caring what people will say about it? How to be you po?!?? Huhuhu.
Oh, Tay-Tay. I hope you realize how much of a catch your current beau is. I’m not saying that your previous boyfriends weren’t catches, but I think this is the first time you’ve dated someone of this magnitude where billions of fangirls’ hearts could be heard breaking all over the world. I hope you cherish every British whisper in your ear and every whiff of perfume that I can only imagine emanates from Tom’s freshly-pressed suits. I hope you get lost in his pretty blue eyes and never, ever, ever let him go. Let this be the one. Let this be the last. Because if you break Tom’s heart, I will come looking for you.
…Joke lang. If anything, I’ll probably end up looking for Tom. And I will find him. And I will marry him.