Featured image by Heather Co
Vampires have become very divisive figures in pop culture. While some might think of the old-school, caped vampires of old, we now also have the sparkly kind. Well, either way, there’s one thing they have in common: Immortality. They never age, or at least they look like they never age. You know who fits that description? Keanu Reeves.
I’m highkey convinced Keanu Reeves is a vampire. No one can fight me on this. The man has the same baby soft skin as he did in the 16th century–er–1991, I mean. He seems to be even looking younger sometimes over the years, no doubt because of all the sustenance he’s getting. The internet’s newest boyfriend is a vampire, I’m sure of it.
Look at him. He hasn’t aged even a bit. Edward was 17 for, quote-unquote, “a long time.” So how long has Keanu been pristine and perfect, like he was cast in porcelain and gifted to us by Greek gods? (Even if I have a conspiracy theory about him I can still find him charming and handsome, right?)
I firmly believe that he’s a vampire. Next to Pharell Williams and Paul Rudd, of course.
Keanu Reeves continues to look like he could still play a man in his mid-20s, angsting about his perfect apartment, combing through his hair out of frustration for that day’s plot device. I can’t imagine him with wrinkles or with a gangly white beard–because we’re not meant to. Because he’s going to stay this same age forever. One day he will disappear from Hollywood and go in hiding and when a generation of human has lived their lives, he will re-emerge under a new name.
What are we going to do with this knowledge that vampires are out and about, gracing our movies screens and prancing around Hollywood? Are we going to take action? Or is he too powerful? Or do we just love him so much that even knowing his current status as a supernatural creature we’ll just let him keep on making us happy?
I think it’s the last. I don’t really wanna do anything about it. I just think he’s a vampire. And I guess that’s okay with everyone who thinks so, too. He’s too loveable. I wouldn’t put a stake through his heart. I’d rather sit down for a steak dinner with him while he talks to me about all the centuries and all the changes he’s seen every generation. And how he probably doesn’t even need to go into hiding, we’re all acutely aware of his immortality, I think we’ve all just grown to accept it at this point.
Thank you, vampire Keanu for making us smile. Please don’t take my blood.
Do you think he’s a vampire? Let us know!