You are okay.
Love is love.
At this point, you’ve heard a manner of things. Maybe you’ve heard that you’re fundamentally flawed or wrong or that you might even be going to Hell. Maybe you’ve heard that there is something wrong with you. Maybe you’ve been sent to the guidance counselor or you’ve just been trembling behind your school desk, afraid that someone will just know when they look at you or talk to you.
As someone who sat in Catholic school classrooms and chapel pews with my hands sweating, feeling like I was going to burn for trying to be earnest in my love, I want to tell you you’re okay. And you will be okay.
There were days that I felt like there was barbed wire around my throat, warning me don’t you dare speak. I would tell myself it was wrong, it wasn’t how God made me, that my teachers were right. That I was sinful and sinning if I continued down that path no matter how sincerely I tried to love. That it’d burn me to be touched by holy water. No matter how kind I tried to be or how much I prayed, heaven was not an option in the end because I was warped and wrong.
But I want to tell you that that’s not true.
Your love is real. Your love is genuine and valuable and true. And no one can take that from you no matter how many bible verses they spew or lectures they give. I’ve learned to part the God I believe in, who accepts me, with the God cooked up in the brains of my teachers who doesn’t love me back, who pushes me away. I know they are not one and the same. But if, at this point, you don’t believe in God, that’s okay, too. As long as you believe in love, the love you have and the love you give.
There is nothing wrong with you. You are not fundamentally flawed. You have love that belongs in this world just as much as other loves do. Don’t allow anyone to try and erase that from you.
It’s okay to keep it to yourself or to let it out. It’s up to you. As long as you stop telling yourself that you’re broken or disturbed–you are not. You are only trusting your heart. And if other people are told they can do it, so can you.
It took me over 10 years to accept this about myself. Over 10 years to tell myself that my being a good person had nothing to do with who I was loving, just that I was loving someone. Over 10 years of quieting the hurt in my heart that was planted by people who told me Hell was waiting for me. And sometimes it still hurts but I fight it every day because I know my love is true and kind and honest. As is yours.
We are in a world where we fight every day for love to triumph over hate and yes, including your love. Including our love. And we will fight together for it.
We are not the sinners they made us out to be in classrooms that instilled more pain than love. We are not monsters who were deformed somewhere along the way, trying not to cry in our chapel pews. We are not destined for fire just because we can’t force ourselves to love the people we were told to love.
We are lovers and fighters and we are free. Love is love. And you will be okay.
Happy Pride, everyone. 🙂
