Well, you can say there’s nothing funny about feeling suicidal. It’s just bad taste to treat something so serious with a smear of humor. But when you put funny and suicidal together in a sentence, it’s usually the perspective of others that make it quite humorous.
But in all honesty, suicide is different from being suicidal. Sure, the latter may have the romanticism of Murakami’s Norwegian Wood (a great depressive read by the way) but it still poses a problem to the psyche. Suicide is technically and essentially the act of taking your own life away, while being suicidal prefers a looser definition.
Killing one’s self can stem from an abrupt act fueled by rage, while having that mindset of wishing, waiting, wanting and plotting to die has its own staircase to the basement of your psyche. The latter is a process that not very many notice. Those who are suicidal are very good at keeping face to the public. It’s only through their expressions, either in art, music, writing, etc. that their true intentions and even perspective of self is revealed.
And once it is revealed, it’s such a blatant red flag it affects everyone surrounded – those who ought to have seen it, but saw instead a façade of social compromise. Of course, not all who are suicidal keep it to themselves. Some do reach out through the most accessible means: social media. Last weekend, two Russian teenage girls jumped to their death after becoming engaged in a social media game that glorifies the process of suicide and allows them to complete it by taking their lives.
That may seem as obvious as it can get; however, many of those who do entertain suicidal thoughts are very incognito about it. Many are very normal people who are very good at hiding their thoughts and feelings where passive aggressive tendencies normally manifest towards themselves. You think someone is alright until it’s too late.
Most of the time, suicidal people don’t burst out in rage and then decide it’s time to die. It takes a lot ruminating than that. These people become engulfed in a manic-depressive cycle where there will be good days filled with productivity and well-being, but also bad days filled with lethargy and cynicism. And it’s in one of those days shrouded with negativity that they’ll just SNAP. Like a twig at the end of its resilience, suicidal people feel the same.
And you know what else is funny with feeling suicidal?
It just happens.
But also, it’s the calm before the storm. It’s the resolution of being ready to face death despite everyone else feeling swell. There’s no shaking, snot dribbling, knife wielding, etcetera. It comes after all that. It’s a beautiful feeling of apathy that disassociates you from reality and you feel a strange calmness, a resolution that you’re about to embark into in the unknown.
You know what else is funny with feeling suicidal?
It doesn’t necessarily lead to suicide. Sometimes, it’s part of the cycle of depression of some people with that mental condition, and most of the time they’re very good at hiding it. What makes it unnerving is that it just needs the right trigger to translate itself into action. And that’s where it goes downhill.
Funny how fragile the human mind can be.
Know anyone who could use some love today?