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Am I Still Single Because My Standards Are Too High?

โ€œGusto mo magkajowa pero di mo naman ginugusto yung mga nagkakagusto sayo.โ€ย 

Thatโ€™s a tweet I read recently, and it struck me. Is it my fault? Am I still single all this time because my standards are too high?

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โ€œMahal mo or mahal ka?โ€

Thatโ€™s the ever-present question in the lovelorn struggle. Do you choose the one you love or the one who loves you?ย 

Iโ€™ve had my fair share of almost-relationships, but as the wise woman Ariana Grande once said, โ€œAlmost is never enough.โ€ Iโ€™ve always thought that the reason these relationships didnโ€™t push through was because of the other party. Maybe they just found someone better. Maybe it just wasnโ€™t the right time. Maybe they gave up.ย 

But I never really considered that it could be my fault. For people with high standards like me, hereโ€™s a few questions we can ask ourselves to determine if our being single is actually our fault:ย 

  1. Are my expectations unrealistic?ย 

Letโ€™s face it. Media portrayals of relationships can eventually affect our perception of what a relationship is supposed to be. We either long for that nice boy-next-door type whoโ€™ll make us giggle or that hot bad guy you want to fix. Sadly, the reality is a far cry from movies and series.ย 

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I have to admit that I watch too many K-dramas for the oppas to get to me as well. It would be nice to date someone who would hug you from the back and greet you with a cute eye-smile. But then Iโ€™d have to check, is it right to expect the men around me to have clear skin, six-pack abs, and a smile to die for?ย 

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Personally, I think itโ€™s okay to have a mental image of the type of guy you like. Itโ€™s normal. Weโ€™re humans. We are attracted to beautiful things. Itโ€™s okay to have visual standards but maybe we shouldnโ€™t judge a book by its cover. Visuals can narrow down who weโ€™re attracted to but it shouldnโ€™t be the sole deciding factor of whether weโ€™d go on a date with them or not.ย 

  1. Am I picky for the wrong reasons?ย 

This leads us to this question. What are our standards for? What are we so picky about?ย 

If weโ€™re so picky with finding a partner for the sake of good arm candy, then I think our standards are off. Beauty is fleeting, especially if all that comes out of his pretty mouth is toxic masculinity. If we do have standards, letโ€™s make sure theyโ€™re founded on the right reasons.ย 

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In my case, I have high standards to protect myself. I am a typical marupok. I can be swayed by your honeyed words and that glance I know for sure you threw at me. I have fallen many times and have broken my heart just as much. I think Iโ€™ve learned my lesson by now. So, my non-negotiables act as the first line of defense to sift whatโ€™s good for me and whatโ€™s not.ย 

We can be picky about things that will affect the relationship in the long run. Is your line of work compatible? Are you okay with long-distance? Do you agree with the personโ€™s political stance? These are just some of the things I think need to be considered if we want to be in a healthy relationship.ย 

  1. Am I too demanding?ย 

Thereโ€™s a thin line between having high standards and pushing people away. Our cancel culture can easily lead us to the latter. So he had a few drinks when he hit on you at the bar? So he forgot to open the door for you on the first date? So he wore the wrong perfume? So what?ย 

We have to stop treating relationships like a test you have to pass. Dates are not licensure exams. I have to admit that Iโ€™m guilty of this.ย 

โ€œOh, he goes to the gym! Check!โ€ย 

โ€œEw, heโ€™s too clingy. Eks!โ€ย 

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Just because he gave the wrong first impression, I cut him off and move on to the next one. Now I realize that I may have to lay off on the judgment. Relationships take time to develop. They may not be who we expect at first but we may actually come to like them. Itโ€™s okay to have high standards as long as we also have leeway for a little benefit of the doubt.

  1. How do I know what my type really is Iโ€™ve never gone on a real date?ย 

The thing about standards is that while it can be a protective barrier, it can also be a prison. We have to check if our standards are preventing us from getting ourselves out there and meeting new people.ย 

As much as I hate to admit this, I do use my standards as an excuse to stop meeting people. Itโ€™s so nice and safe in my own little bubble. Why would I risk going out of my comfort zone for someone I donโ€™t like?ย 

I am learning now that standards are okay, but theyโ€™re not meant to box us in. Standards should actually push us to go out of our comfort zones and meet more people so that we can confirm if our standards hold up to the real world. Standards arenโ€™t cages but doors towards greater things.ย 

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  1. Should I just settle?ย 

โ€œGusto mo magkajowa pero di mo naman ginugusto yung mga nagkakagusto sayo.โ€ย 

So what now? Do I just settle? Do I choose the one who loves me instead of the one I love?ย 

I am learning now that itโ€™s okay to give people a chance as long as you do it with careful consideration. I can go on a date with the person who likes me. I can give it time. I can get to know the person. But after Iโ€™ve given it an even shot and that personโ€™s still not up to par, I donโ€™t think itโ€™s fair to force myself to like someone I really donโ€™t.ย 

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For my fellow high-standard citizens, we can always put our standards to the test by meeting new people. Who knows? Our standards can change depending on who we meet, but standards are still in place all the same.ย 

 

Single by choiceย 

Yes, my standards do prevent me from getting into a relationship right away. No, my standards will not make me single forever.ย 

I donโ€™t think being single is a fault. I like to think being single is a choice. Other than having high standards for my significant other, I also have high standards for myself. I donโ€™t want to fall in love with someone else yet when Iโ€™m still trying so hard to love myself.ย 

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I donโ€™t want to get into a relationship, bring my baggage, and wait for my significant other to complete me. My standards are in place not just to protect me but to protect my future partner as well. Standards are boundaries. Itโ€™s okay to have boundaries because they most likely fall in pleasant places. I still have hope that someone, somewhere will fall into my place at the right time.ย 

So what if it takes longer?ย 

I’d rather stay single than stay with the wrong person; Iโ€™d rather stay single than force the wrong person to stay with me.ย ย