Crazy Thailand Stories: Doing Lines in Thailand

Vince’s Thailand stories part 1


Crazy Thailand Stories: Doing Lines in Thailand

My stubbornness, attention deficit disorder and inability to fall in line has gotten me into another tough situation, to say the least. 30-minutes into my arrival at Thailand and I’m already getting screamed at by some crazy Thai guy and his friend as I sit in the back of their heavily tinted car.

Let’s rewind 30 minutes earlier…..

When In Thailand, upon arrival at the beautiful Bangkok Airport, the first sign of the English language reads “Welcome to Thailand – The Land of Smiles!” I walk up to this sign and underneath it, find a very grumpy looking old man who obviously did not get the memo about the new marketing slogan. I hand this man my passport and attempted to smile at him while he (whom I will now refer to as Grumpy Bear) stamps my papers, gives me the death stare and shoves me off to the next line.

After getting in line to meet Grumpy Bear, who then sends me off to the immigration line, after which I again wait in line for my baggage – I finally arrive at another line, for a taxi. This is the part where my absolute inability to tolerate lines goes haywire and I rush out a different door to asses the situation and see what other options I have. I skip the entire line of about 30 people and head outside. You say karma; I say efficiency.

Outside, there are only two things:

1. The front of the long taxi line

2. Some random guy outside the airport gate screaming towards me asking if I wanted a taxi.

My heart was saying no, but my body, my body…


Backpacker Paradise Khao San Road, Bangkok Thailand

I cross the street and ask the guy if he can take me to Khao San Road, the ultimate backpackers paradise in Bangkok where tourists, locals, hotels, bars and clubs can all be found on one amazing street. The taxi screaming guy demonstrates his superior understanding of the English language while simultaneously telling me to jump over the fence. I realize that this may cause a commotion and tell him that I’d rather walk around it since the end of the fence didn’t seem too far.

At the fence’s end, I find a heavily tinted dark blue car with a driver in it while the taxi screaming guy (whom we will now refer to as Assface), pops up behind me and tells me to hop in. Again demonstrating his fluent control of the English language.

So I take a time out from reality and jump into my own world called “Vince’s Logical Land.” Don’t worry if you never heard about it, it’s not a big tourist place and there really isn’t much to do there anyway.

While in “Vince’s Logical Land,” I assess the situation; I take note of the heavily tinted car with two guys in it and no signs of being a taxi, nor any signs of being friendly.

My Spider-Sense concludes that this is probably how many horror movies start.

As much as I’d like to star in my own film, “The Bangkok Chainsaw Massacre,” I actually decide that I should get back to the airport and wait in line for a real taxi. And that’s when my old friend, A.D.D., shows up.

Vince: “Oh dude cool music, I love that song with the boots and the fur and all that, reminds me of San Diego,”

Assface: “Yes, very good music, you go in car now, I take you to your hotel.”

Vince: “Sounds good.”

In the heavily tinted car with Assface and Robin (like in Batman and Robin, but with Assface instead), they start the normal chitchat about life, current events and my intelligence level.

Assface: “You come Bangkok before?”

Vince: “No, this is my absolute first time here, I know nothing about this place or where you’re taking me.” (I didn’t say it exactly like that, but looking back, I pretty much said it as so.)

Assface: “Very nice.”

Ten minutes into the ride, my good friend Assface asks me again what hotel I’m staying at.

Vince: “Oh I already told you, the Sawasdee Banglumpoo Inn”

Assface: “I no understand”

Vince: “You told me you knew where it was a second ago…”

Assface: “No understand, you have reserve?”

I then show Assface my hotel reservation with the name of my hotel. He starts talking to Robin in Thai.

Assface: “Oh, sorry my friend, I think you say different hotel. You hotel very far, cannot take you for only 400 Baht (FYI – 1 US Dollar = 33 Thai Baht).

Vince: “Ok……..”

Assface: “If you go with airport taxi, cost you very expensive, maybe 3,000 Baht

Vince: “What!? Hell no!”

Assface: “Yes my friend, but it ok, I give you discount, only 2,000 Baht.”

Vince: “Dude, I was told at the airport by the information desk that it would cost about 400 Baht to get there”

Assface: “No understand. I take you for 2,000 Baht ok?”

Vince: “Fuck no, take me back to the airport!”

It’s funny how all of a sudden, Assface’s English becomes selective, meaning he understood some things that benefited him, but did not understand some English if it didn’t do any good for him. Quite a skill he had if you asked me.

We argued for a while, which included Assface and Robin screaming at me. I hold my ground and tell them that I’m not paying a dime over 400 Baht as discussed. I even ask them to just drop me off right there in the middle of the freeway.

Assface: “Ok, I take you back airport now.”

Vince: “Sounds good, sorry for any inconvenience.”

Assface: “How much you pay me to take you airport.”

Vince: “Are you serious?”

Assface: “You pay me 400 Baht, I take you airport”

Vince: “F*** no you ASSFACE! You should pay me for wasting my time, I could be out drinking with my friends by now! I’m not paying you to take me back to where I was!”

Assface: “No understand, ok you pay 400 Baht?”

More arguing continues and Assface finally says that he would give me the ultimate deal, 600 Baht for him to take me to my hotel. My stubbornness has a reputation of getting me almost killed many times before – why ruin a good streak?

Vince: “NO dude, I’m broke, I don’t have money, I’m not paying you anything more than we discussed!”

Assface: “THAI THAI THAI THAI blah blah blah!” (He started screaming at me in Thai.)

Vince: “You’re gonna kill me aren’t you?”

Assface: “THAI THAI THAI THAI THAI” (More screaming in Thai)

Assface: “Ok, I take you for 400 Baht

Vince: “Thank you, I’m really sorry if there was any sort of misunderstanding…”

Assface: “You pay now.”

Vince: “What! No! I’ll pay when we get there.”

Assface: “You pay half now.”

Vince: “NO! I’ll pay you when we get there.”

Assface: “We no gas, what you do, push car?”

Vince: “So you drove out of your home, with absolutely no gas and no money on you? Well I don’t care, just let me out here.”

Assface: “Oh my friend, we get you other taxi.”

At this point, I’m reaching in my bag for whatever weapon I can find, just in case.

To my surprise, Assface and Robin actually stop on a well-lit street, and flag down a cab for me. They then talk to the cab driver, and the cab driver ends up handing Assface some cash.

I switch cars and the only English my new cab driver speaks is “400 Baht”


The other type of cabs in Thailand, the Tuk Tuks

We arrive at my hotel and the meter on this “real” cab reads at 200 Baht. I figured that Assface already took me about 100 Baht worth in distance and the cab just took me the rest of the way. So it probably would have cost me 300 Baht to get there with a real cab had I waited in line at the airport. I’m also guessing that the money the cab driver gave to Assface was from Assface telling the cab driver that I would give $400 but they already took me half way there anyway.

So, there I was, safe and sound at my hotel. Adrenalin rushing through my veins from the events that just took place.

I drop off my stuff in the room and head towards the nearest bar for a much-deserved drink. Only problem is that there seems to be a long line to get in most of the bars close to me….

No wait, there doesn’t seem to be a line for that place down that dark alley….. let’s go check it out…



Stay tuned for my Thailand Full Moon Party story!

Crazy Thailand Stories: Doing Lines in Thailand

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