Most of us want to be with someone who will understand, appreciate, and love us for who we are. We’re looking for the one who says all the right things at exactly the right time. That sounded like lyrics to a song because it is the lyrics to a song called Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon.
Okay, back to my point.
We’re constantly looking for the one, the ideal partner, to settle down, and we want that relationship to last. The thing is: it never happens. Despite that person possessing all the things we want for a partner, it always ends to a sad dissolution.
It’s not you. It’s my pessimistic, self-destructing self.
It was clear as day my best friend and now ex-boyfriend were a perfect match. It’s an I-want-someone-to-look-at-me-the-way-he-looks-at-him type of romance. But he cheated on him because he can—so he did.
A behavior is self-sabotaging when in an attempt to solve a problem causes another problem. People who self-sabotage have this tendency to deny themselves happiness, pleasure, success, or love. We let that inner voice take over so we end up in our own way.
I’d rather lock myself in the bathroom, turn on the shower, cry so hard you’d think I’m in a drama, than tell him my problem.
I don’t disclose my emotions, so I thought sleeping through a problem is the best solution. The next morning, all seems good—as if nothing happened. It’s like bungee jumping when you’re afraid of heights. You put a blindfold and take a step forward. You don’t know when or how many more steps to go. But for sure, you will fall and that moment will catch you off guard.
The problem with self-sabotaging is it’s a part of us. It’s in you. It’s in me. When things don’t go our way, when we’re uncomfortable with a situation, when we feel guilty, that behavior of self-destruction kicks in.
There’s no other way to address self-sabotaging than acting up against that pessimistic inner voice within us. There’s always a pattern and that’s what we have to change. Changing old, embedded habits is not easy. After all, that inner voice helped us survive tough situations but it no longer serves us well today. It’s time to stop depending on it.
Trusting is appalling.
Trust issue in adults is almost always a result of childhood experiences—bad ones. Like parents’ inconsistencies in meeting the needs of their children or worst, abuse. Our parents are the first people we learn to trust and when that bond is broken, it can lead to distrustful relationships of all kinds later in adult life.
Trust in a relationship is so vital, it’s the one holding it together. It’s the very foundation of the emotional connection between partners.
Distrust creates a wall that blocks openness. It draws out all the faith in a relationship and in the end, we no longer believe what we’ve been told because we’ve been consumed by our own suspicions.
That inner voice tells us to doubt and be cynical to all people, even to those we love.
I know you’ve heard of this. It has been said a lot of times because it’s true. You have to trust yourself before trusting other people.
I trusted myself that I’m making the right decision of putting my faith in a relationship. I trusted myself that I’m ready to open up. I trusted myself that I can be transparent with my thoughts and emotions. I trusted myself so I let go of my defenses. I killed doubt to build trust.
I didn’t know my fear of closed spaces until I watched Alice enter the tiny door. As if someone turned off my lungs. I couldn’t breathe. God that was terrifying!
When I ask my friends as to why they are still single, more often than not, I get the same answers rooted from one reason: fear of intimacy. Most people are aware that they’re afraid to commit, so they don’t. And then there are those who are not aware of it.
I didn’t know that that part of me exists until I involved myself in a relationship and realized how terrifying was it. Like distrust, fear of intimacy starts to develop early in our lives. As a child, we learn how to defend ourselves from feeling negative emotions like rejection, disappointment, and guilt.
I had a talent when I was a kid. I can be inside a bubble and shut down. I felt safer. But then again, I feared someone might burst it.
Unaware of this fear, I incautiously opened up and exposed myself to someone until I realized that I’ve given up so much. I am vulnerable to emotional pain. He can now affect me. He can hurt my feelings… reject me… disappoint me.
My fight or flight kicked in. I chose flight. Slowly, I built distance. I don’t have to open up anymore. Did I feel better? Yes. Are we still together? No. The break up was unjustified. It wasn’t intimacy that I was afraid of. It was me having no control of what will happen.
When you don’t know what or who to blame, there’s always the right-person-wrong-time cliché.
Love is not a priority—plain and simple. It’s just… we are in a point wherein we’re just not quite ready to share ourselves—our thoughts, our time, our fears, our dreams. And it’s totally okay! I thought I was looking for “the one” but I was really looking for myself. I lost her along my way to life and when I found her, everything made sense.
Special thanks to Jenny Matiga from Royal Essence for the images.