If you’re reading this, I’m sorry.

Words by: Nadine Hocson

Inspired by: Let you down by NF

A letter to my 15 year old self.
I should’ve walked away and stayed away when I got the chance.
I’m sorry that I let you down.

That’s what I would tell my 15-year-old self. I know I made you a promise that I would be strong, that I would become someone you’d be proud of. But here I am, three years later, pushed back to a corner feeling pain I know I never deserved. I’m sorry I let myself go through something like this. I promised you that I wouldn’t let anyone hurt me the same way they hurt you, but I did.

This time, they didn’t come with warning signs or alarms. It came in the form of an apologetic person asking for another chance. It came with forgiveness, and a hope that maybe this time it could happen. I lead myself into a trap, and I knew it was. I ignored my intuition and went along with what I thought was right. This time, it seemed possible, too possible I actually believed that it was making me happy. Little did I know that it was killing me from the inside out.

And it did. It killed me, slowly but surely. It consumed all the love, hope, and genuine feeling that I saved for myself. It left me with nothing, again.

I am now trying to rebuild, taking it one day at a time to move forward. This is a wake-up call. To walk away, and to stay away. This is the sign to say goodbye for good.

It’s sad as to how I could’ve done this earlier. I could’ve saved myself from this pain but I believe that this serves an important purpose.

The pain that I am experiencing right now, even if it makes me feel weak as the day passes by, it is making me stronger. This challenge is given to me because the universe knows that I am strong enough to rise above—I just don’t know it yet.

So to my fifteen-year-old self, I am sorry I let you down but I promise you that you’ll be proud of me soon enough.

I am currently a work in progress, check on me regularly for improvements.

With hope and faith,
Your 18-year-old self