I was told once that the reason why we feel so empty in a toxic relationship is that we pour out all the love we can give to a person without leaving any for ourselves. We’ve been taught to think that it’s okay not to ask anything in return because that’s what love is supposed to be—unconditional. But we should have known better.
When I started dating you, I had mistakenly put you on a pedestal. I cared for you, sacrificed my time for you, went out of my way to cater to your needs. I was stupidly infatuated and seeing everything through rose-colored glasses that I wasn’t aware that you weren’t reciprocating the efforts I made the way I needed you to.
As I kept on giving, I began to nurture a black hole inside me that slowly swallowed me up. A gap appeared in my heart that never seemed to go away, only growing as time went on. I was losing who I was, losing other people I cared about, and losing the dreams I had for myself.
I was lucky enough to have saved myself before I lost myself completely.
(Why is it so hard to leave toxic relationships?)
Where did we ever get the idea that we are not worthy of a better love than what we get? Why do we stubbornly convince ourselves that the person we love is still the person we fell for in the beginning? Why do we endure the hurt, holding onto hope that it will eventually get better?
We are not meant to merely be the supporting roles of a relationship that requires two leads.
I never considered it a mistake to have loved you. It was a mistake to not have loved myself the same way.
So this is me moving on, a little hurt and a little broken, but positive that the next person I will find will love me equally. Until then, I’ll be learning to love myself.
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Header photo from Netflix
