An Open Letter to My Best Friend That Turned Into My Worst Nightmare

We were inseparable.
Growing up, we had a lot of things in common that strengthened our bond.
I still remember how we would sneak out to play outside when we were younger, laughing as the rain cascaded on our faces.
We laughed, not worrying about anything, until our tummies hurt.
It was just us, and nothing else mattered.
We had so many great memories together that it makes me sad knowing that it’s not the same anymore.

My family adores you.
My mom even considers you her own daughter.
You are always welcome in our house.
I know my mom would be happy to see you.
She keeps on asking me about you.
I put a smile on my face and say that you’re just busy.
I am a coward.
I don’t have the guts to tell them that we’re not okay.
That we are changed people.

You were there to listen to me, even about my nonsense stories.
I chose to confide in you about my first crush, shared with you all my heartbreaks.
You were a part of me.
But that’s what hurts me the most — you were.

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Little by little we started to grow apart.
Our chat box is now at the bottom, dead, instead of its usual spot at the top.
Daily updates turned into weekly, that turned into when you need something.

Now as I lie awake looking up at the ceiling, I can’t help but wonder where it all went downhill.
Did I do something wrong that hurt you immensely that you can’t bear to spend time with me anymore?
Did you get tired of me? Of hearing about my stories or how my day went?
Or is it just a reality, a part of human life to grow apart from the people closest to your heart?

Though we still talk, it’s different now.
Your words are full of venom and hatred.

Why do you keep on comparing yourself to me?
I never saw you as competition.
I would celebrate your achievements and be proud of you.
I always admired how you were determined and focused on your goals.

Let me make this clear, I am not the enemy.
I want you to succeed more than you’ll ever know.
You’re the one pushing me away by thinking that I hope for your downfall, which is far from the truth.

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Why do you always try to bring me down with your degrading and hurtful words?
Does making me feel inferior make you feel superior?
Do you thrive on my tears and sadness?
Does putting me down make you feel happy and content?
I never dreamed of hurting you.
I can’t wrap my head around the idea of hurting you, yet you seem to enjoy doing it to me.

Do you feel empowered when you see me hurting?
Do you feel happy that you still have an impact on me?
Is it a goal, an achievement to see me hurt?
I could never understand how deep your hurt is that you need to pass it to another person.

What hurts me the most is that I trusted you.
I let you in to my heart, mind, and soul.
And now, I don’t even know if all my secrets are safe.
It keeps me up at night just thinking how you could do this to me.
I loved you like a sister.
I still do.

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Am I foolish to hope for everything to go back the way it was?
Is it better for us to part ways now while there is still respect for each other?

I chose to do the latter.
Sometimes, it’s better to let go when all we do is hurt each other.
This relationship has turned toxic.
Although I am thankful for all the memories we have together, and the growth I had because of this relationship,
I am letting go.

I am letting go not because I’m mad or tired,
But because I think that that will save our friendship in the long run.
I’m hoping that the time will come when you won’t be a nightmare anymore,
but my best friend in this reality.