I’m not a very social media-y type of guy and would prefer to keep my thoughts to myself, but since it’s kind of a special day today and I know you’ve been expecting it, I guess I’ll let it slide for today. ????
Meeting you, and eventually living with you, was one of the most life-changing events of my life. Back then, I never thought that there could be a time when one single person can inadvertently affect what I want to do in life and how to live it so much that my life has taken a 180-degree turn. You’d be surprised how I now know how to wash the dishes,and generally keep the house clean, since your eyes scream – blasphemy! – whenever a plate remains unwashed. You also taught me how to cook!
In a bit of time, we got to know each other and each day I find myself deliberating why I am so attracted to a person I just met a few months ago. You see, there is this special pulling force I can’t shake off every time I see you. It’s like the stars conspired that whenever you would ask something from me, the answer will always be yes. And I hated myself for that because I did things I wasn’t used to like: meeting your friends, enjoying ourselves in the kitchen, going to places I never bothered looking at and mostly things to keep me from being cooped up inside my room and playing video games all day. In the process, I learned to care more, seek more and also write this message for you publicly. (lol). As I was helplessly sucked in to your world, I knew more about you and fell in love just as hard as first day. I really thought that our relationship then will all be sweets and highs for the years to come but I guess when life deals you cards you don’t want nor expect, you got no choice but play anyway.
December2014, you became a mother. When you texted me about it, I was literally stunned for a few seconds. After all, I didn’t know things could go this way nor that far. After a few seconds, however, it started to sink in and I found myself swimming in confusion mixed with exhilaration and concocted in a bottle of holy shit is this actually happening.
I knew right there and then, that I was resolved to share with you a journey we have taken a few years earlier than it should be. And it was hard. Too hard, in fact. When others were planning dates and trips, we were fighting which color the baby walker should be.When others were dining out, we kept the money to ourselves because we needed it more on the future. We were too engrossed in it we spent a lot of time in the kids section more than we do in other parts of the mall. It was surreal. Like living in a dream, we were patiently waiting for the next few months because we wanted to see her badly. Picking which mittens to get, what kind of clothes to buy, lovingly seeing parents and the child strolling knowing all too well that our family could be just like them. With all honestly, I was so happy then despite the bad things we heard from the people we expected so much support from. Still, we persevered and cried ourselves to sleep. Largely because we really have no choice but to thread the path we ourselves carved. Still, we did all the things that we could to safely deliver the one thing we wanted the most. That even with all the unseen hardships we could be proud, that even with all the words we heard that pierced you more painfully than anything, we could be better. However despite how much someone wants something and works hard for it, even still, it wouldn’t be given.
May 2015, all things started to fall apart. To have experienced both the highest and lowest points of life in a matter of half a year, we were broken without chances of repair. Each day became a grueling struggle just to wake up, each step carries twice the weight because we were pinned down with tonnes of what ifs and what could have beens, each minute she never left our minds. We became resentful of everything that is created in this world. All too soon, we steered the bursting influx of emotions both to ourselves. We hurt each other more than we ever thought we could. Because when push comes to shove we thrust even harder, when things go wrong we blamed each other. And it was very painful. As we spend our days even more closely, and plunge ourselves to a new shade of pitch darkness, we knew and played with each other’s inner demons. We saw the worst of what could be us. And all too soon, life has forever lost a kind of color for us. Still, against all odds, even if you started to taking care of yourself less than you already did, I still found you beautiful. In the midst of what I can say the darkest, I looked at you and found you shining brightly than ever. For when a woman becomes a devoted mother, she exudes a different kind of luster more alluring than any other. At the moment I saw that, I knew I couldn’t be the person I was. I had to change, lest I risk losing what I value the most again. I never want to go through that again.
One month from now, it would be one year then. Each day has still been very difficult road for recovery for the both of us but we managed. I doubt we would ever restore what we once had but I guess there are some burdens in life you have to carry, and this burden, is what I would want to carry till my deathbed.
I have now graduated after failing my parents, my friends, my brother, my relatives, myself, you and her. I have failed to meet the expectations of my colleagues and entering UE through one of its gates was a daily painful encounter for me. But as cliche as it may sound, I wouldn’t trade the experience for any other. For in the process, I have found a person capable of partaking with me, the joys and sorrows of yesterday and tomorrow and has given me a 5 month old irreplaceable joy. To my partner, Jallea Gadingan del Rosario, who still loves me 30 kg heavier, we may have yet to draw the worst ball in the lottery and things may turn for the sour again and again but I’m confident that I’m ready to take it all on if I’m with you. This cum laude is for you and cheska. I love you so much!
If you know anyone who is currently going through the same thing and needs some inspiration, this is the story to share with them. Thank you for the inspiration, guys! 🙂
