You could be committed, someone who’s reeling from a fresh breakup, a person who’s been traumatized by their previous dating experience years ago, or even an NBSB/NGSB (No Boyfriend/Girlfriend Since Birth). But whatever your relationship status says on Facebook, you could have had that tinge of doubt and unsatisfaction lingering in your head. Happiness doesn’t lie in whether you’re single or in a relationship, after all — it all boils down to whether you’re being true to yourself.
Professional dating coach Amanda Coling calls it SES: Strength, Empowerment, and Self-Awareness. When one can make romantic choices (whether it’s to be in a relationship or remain single) from a place that’s coming from SES, then that’s when they can say that they are being authentic.
“The most important thing I’ve learned about dating is that everything begins and ends with you”, Amanda says. “Everything and everyone around you, including your dating status is a mirror of the kind of person you are. Everything, including dating, is an opportunity for us to develop and grow into the person that we are meant to be, which is the best, empowered, loving, creative and authentic versions of ourselves.”
According to Amanda, she tells her clients that the end goal is to reach authenticity and live life on your own terms, and not anybody else’s. Amanda says, ” When you’re living in total authenticity and on your own terms can you truly reach your highest potentials.Only when you become totally authentic and honest with yourself can you live a passionate, purposeful life. And passionate, purposeful people are inherently attractive because their greatness mirrors the seed of greatness that we all have inside of us.”
Here are reasons why your love life, regardless of its status, may be causing you unsatisfaction.
You feel like you need someone to complete you.
“Another indication that people who are in relationships are coming from weakness is when they are in a relationship because they feel incomplete and they think their partner is supposed to complete or validate them”, says Amanda. “So they seek partners who have what they think they can never have on their own. Like those who are in relationships with rich people only for their money or famous people only for their fame and social status, and not because they truly love the person.”
Sometimes, it doesn’t have to be that scheming. Although you may have good intentions with the person, if you feel that you cannot live without that person because of a certain physical or mental security they give you, then that could be causing your unhappiness. You must be two whole individuals entering a relationship and co-existing with one another, not relying on each other for your existence.
You don’t know what went wrong in your previous relationship.
Amanda tells her clients that dating failures are just feedback that there are rough edges to your character or personality that need polishing. According to Amanda, “If you don’t know what causes a problem or a predicament, then you have no way of knowing what needs to be changed.”Â
Regardless of why a relationship ended and if it wasn’t out of our own accord, we are never entirely blameless. Because our dating status and relationship is a reflection of ourselves, if we don’t know what we aren’t doing right, then we can’t fix what makes our relationships fail. Amanda says, “They are not aware of their behaviors and beliefs that make their dating lives unsuccessful. Our beliefs, both conscious and mostly unconscious, are what drive our behavior.”
You believe that you are unlovable or unattractive.
Maybe it’s someone from the past who made you feel that way, or maybe it was what those around you led you to believe when you were growing up — but if you’re carrying the belief that you are unlovable because of traits you have, or you’re simply unattractive, then these could be pushing away those who care about you.
According to Amanda, “If one has unconscious beliefs that he/she is unattractive, or not good enough or unwanted, or not loveable, they would unconsciously behave in ways that drive people away or make them unattractive.”
You entered a relationship out of pressure.
Your parents and relatives have exclaimed that your “biological clock is ticking”, or your friends may have been pressuring you to “lock one down” because you’re the only single person left in the group. By giving in to that pressure, you’ve either settled for the person you were currently dating but weren’t completely sure of, or you scrambled and met up with the first person you swiped right on Tinder — and the rest is history.
According to Amanda, if you’re not in a relationship because it was your true, authentic choice and desire, then you could be setting yourself up for unhappiness and failure.
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Amanda Coling is a model, actress, TV host, professional dating coach, and WIM’s resident dating expert. She has published an e-book called Get Any Guy You Want or Have Fun Trying, available on Amazon. Catch her weekly live show on love, sex, dating, and attraction on When In Manila’s Facebook page every Thursday, 8pm.
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